im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
