Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
