I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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