i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
