you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
