don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
