I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
