I wish my penis had an off switch
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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