Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
