She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
