apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
