i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
