Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
