why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
