Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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