I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
