happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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