is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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