I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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