Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
