I am midnight drunk by noon
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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