i already hear my dad disowning me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
