It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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