Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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