Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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