i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
