Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
