I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
