he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
