before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
