Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
