They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
