That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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