I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
