Don't EVER smell your tampon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
