i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
