this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
