Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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