every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
