I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
