I think i peed on brittanys purse
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
