I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
