I can text with my tongue
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
