if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
