I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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