he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
