Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
