I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
