I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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