fuck your aforementioned shoe
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
