You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
