I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
