I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
