I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
