I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
